Josefiend

While resurrection isn’t traditionally associated with American Thanksgiving, I’m reviving my 2008 Sarah Palin Turkey Pardoning Massacre centerpiece. Politics and conspiracy theorist rants against the media aside, Sarah Palin’s interview in front of the turkey beheading cone of death was … well, remarkable. We could speak at lengths about the real-life view into how your main dish gets to the table or the mystery that is Sarah Palin’s brain, but what stands out the most in the video is the nonchalant curiosity of the executioner.

[But like at dinner table full of relatives, it’s best to avoid topics like politics and carnage. Getting back to the centerpiece … ]

Anyway, to help memorialize the Turkey Pardoning Massacre, I used my favorite art medium: hot dogs. Say what you will about hot dogs, but tube meat has bottomless potential for art projects.

Sarah Palin is composed of a hot dog body and hair, perky “God-given” cranberry boobies, a designer label spicy pepperoni skirt, and a fig head. And her glasses are made from floral wire. My friend P added the price tag which helps illustrate the folksy Palin’s penchant for designer fashion. While her common-folk personality isn’t captured, I think we can all agree that there ain’t nothing more Amer’kin than hot dogs. And freedom.

The lucky duck, pardoned turkey body is made of turkey sausage, with spicy pepperoni wings. And proving itself a versatile medium, splayed hot dogs form the tail. The turkey head is a fig with cranberry eyeballs. In retrospect, I missed a great opportunity by not adding a waddle. I think a pulled apart raspberry would have been fabulous. Damn you, hindsight! And if you’re wondering what’s under the turkey, it is not an egg. Or legs. It’s a hot dog pedestal. We should all be so fortunate as to be on such a pedestal.

Useful for both zings with tooth cavity fillings and tv dinners, the Turkey Cone of Death is made from foil. And while not elegant, bamboo skewers help suspend the death turkey head from the dead turkey body. The dead head is a fig and the body, another turkey meatball with splayed hot dog tail.

Once again, stupid hindsight reminds me that I really should have x’d out the eyes of the turkey. And some ketchup would have made for a more dramatic scene. But let’s just all agree to give me credit for a fetchingly realistic-looking turkey Cone of Death. Also ignore the shadow from the flash in the photo. Jesus. This photo kinda sucks. Let’s pretend that the shadow on the wall is the spirit of the beheaded turkey and he’s pissed. He’s coming for you, Sarah Palin! Sleep with one eye open, lady!

And with that, we’re done. The centerpiece made a nice accent to our buffet table back in 2008. And while a turkey massacre scene might not be fitting for everyone’s Thanksgiving holiday table, I encourage you to find ways to memorialize current events via tube meat.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.